Lazy Mission: Impossible

Would you hate me if I told you that my house is nearly always clean? It's true, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not sorry. But don't hate me please.

Do you think it's because I just have one little child to care for? Maybe. We'll see. But he's also a good little cleaner! He loves (honestly, LOVES) to clean up his toys before his nap and before bedtime! He enjoys helping me!

And I just have so much fun cleaning!

Yesterday, I planned to be lazy. I thought maybe planning to be lazy would prove more enjoyable because I wouldn't have little naggings floating around my mind telling me to do this or that. Plan to be lazy, and those things are allowed to not matter! Really, I was counting on it, promising myself that the day I'd so very well earned had finally come.

I tried! When I went to the gym, I didn't feel like doing reps at the weights and then pounding through a grueling 20 minutes of cardio. So I decided to go to the 8:00 class. Instead of yoga or pilates, it was abs-n-glutes. Hm, might not be bad, right? OH MAN, it KILLED! AUGH! I'm usually not too bad at keeping up in a class like that, but there were a couple moments that I felt pretty dorky...the instructor would say "If you're having trouble with that, you can bend your legs a little..." and she'd look straight at me! (Maybe someone was being dorkier right behind me, but that doesn't make a difference because she seemed to look straight at me) and several moments I felt like my "glutes" were on fire. And it didn't help that I'd done a really thorough ab workout earlier in the week. Phewf.

And then it was quite necessary that we go straight to the bank from the gym.

(Aw, I have to interrupt myself: Ender just said "I see da whale, it's rearry pretty, it's wike a mommy!" Oh...great? Thanks? Hahhahha!)

Then we went straight from the bank to the grocery store--also necessary, and besides, it would be very UN-lazy to go home and then come back.

At home, I finally succeeded in being lazy by wasting some time watching movie trailers on youtube and postponing my shower for when Ender took his nap.

But then Ender took his nap, and my shower kind of accidentally got me all geared-up in cleaning mode...I didn't mean to! I wandered to the kitchen, feeling snackish and determined to just eat and read my book. But my wandering turned into cleaning the fridge, washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, then the house, then starting a load of laundry, making my bed, etc. etc. And when I'd finally made the rounds and saw that the house was very well-attended, I realized that I had had a lot of fun! I enjoyed all of that cleaning! It was sure easier than being lazy...nothing worked when Lazy was my plan.

So, pleased with this little lesson I'd given myself, I settled on the bed with a bowl of ice cream and got through about three pages before I fell asleep. :) Not as fun as reading, but it felt good.

Recalling Old Conversations

I've realized that a particular "trait" can be a blessing rather than just a frustration!

I was washing the dishes and thinking about giving Ender a bath when he was a newborn, and I remembered that when my mom came to visit, she'd asked if there was anything I felt I needed. I really felt like it was important to have one of those bathtub "seats" for infants so that I wouldn't have to lay him down flat in the tub--I just wasn't comfortable with that. My mom said "Really?" And she had a thoughtful look, like she was surprised that that's what mattered to me. Recently, I've been scanning some old pictures for her, and as I went through a bunch from when the family lived in Berlin, there were some cute baby bath time pictures, and the babies were simply lying on their backs in the tub. Smiling at my mom, perfectly happy. So that long-ago conversation came back to me, and I understood why she'd been surprised (it was a very subtle expression on her face; she would never have made me feel bad by telling me I was being ridiculous). She never saw the need for those baby tub seats. And with that realization, I felt a fresh sense of gratitude that she had been sensitive to the situation: I was a new mom, and the things that were so important to me might not have been important at all, but it's all such a new world that the new mother is getting used to that you really shouldn't be critical. She knew that. She knew it so well.

Usually, when a long-ago conversation comes back to me, it's with a certain air of haunting. I recall someone giving me a compliment, and I suddenly can't remember if I said thank you. Even if it didn't matter to them, I should have. Or I realize that I said something--blurted something, more like--and it could have been offensive or insulting...but it's months later that I'm remembering, and I have a miniature sense of despair that I could have hurt someone unknowingly.

So anyway, as I washed the dishes, remembering my mother and learning something new about her and myself, I figured out that my brain's habit of pulling up old conversations is a good thing. I can use that to learn and gain wisdom and perception for future conversations! In fact, it's quite amazing that the brain is capable of recalling such little things like that from such a long time ago! My brain brings back the exact facial expressions, the exact timing, and sometimes even exact words of the moment. The fact that I have to think for some time before I speak (which means I'm not someone with really fast and witty comebacks) means that I'm storing things up for some good wisdom-food, for a later time that I can ponder and analyze and deeply, thoroughly understand. Like while I wash the dishes.

Wedding Day

I was just remembering something.

After Michael and I were sealed in the temple,

there was a window of time for me to put on jewelry and makeup

(I knew the mascara would just get cried off)

and put the finishing touches on everything.

My mother was with me in the crowded, mirrored bridal room.

I remember that she was urging me to hurry up,

reminding me that everyone was waiting for us.

I didn't mean to dawdle;

I just remember feeling so very much at peace.

I felt so calm.

I felt so clean.

There wasn't a force in the world that could rush me...

I felt completely wrapped up in happiness and true love.