Recalling Old Conversations

I've realized that a particular "trait" can be a blessing rather than just a frustration!

I was washing the dishes and thinking about giving Ender a bath when he was a newborn, and I remembered that when my mom came to visit, she'd asked if there was anything I felt I needed. I really felt like it was important to have one of those bathtub "seats" for infants so that I wouldn't have to lay him down flat in the tub--I just wasn't comfortable with that. My mom said "Really?" And she had a thoughtful look, like she was surprised that that's what mattered to me. Recently, I've been scanning some old pictures for her, and as I went through a bunch from when the family lived in Berlin, there were some cute baby bath time pictures, and the babies were simply lying on their backs in the tub. Smiling at my mom, perfectly happy. So that long-ago conversation came back to me, and I understood why she'd been surprised (it was a very subtle expression on her face; she would never have made me feel bad by telling me I was being ridiculous). She never saw the need for those baby tub seats. And with that realization, I felt a fresh sense of gratitude that she had been sensitive to the situation: I was a new mom, and the things that were so important to me might not have been important at all, but it's all such a new world that the new mother is getting used to that you really shouldn't be critical. She knew that. She knew it so well.

Usually, when a long-ago conversation comes back to me, it's with a certain air of haunting. I recall someone giving me a compliment, and I suddenly can't remember if I said thank you. Even if it didn't matter to them, I should have. Or I realize that I said something--blurted something, more like--and it could have been offensive or insulting...but it's months later that I'm remembering, and I have a miniature sense of despair that I could have hurt someone unknowingly.

So anyway, as I washed the dishes, remembering my mother and learning something new about her and myself, I figured out that my brain's habit of pulling up old conversations is a good thing. I can use that to learn and gain wisdom and perception for future conversations! In fact, it's quite amazing that the brain is capable of recalling such little things like that from such a long time ago! My brain brings back the exact facial expressions, the exact timing, and sometimes even exact words of the moment. The fact that I have to think for some time before I speak (which means I'm not someone with really fast and witty comebacks) means that I'm storing things up for some good wisdom-food, for a later time that I can ponder and analyze and deeply, thoroughly understand. Like while I wash the dishes.

Wedding Day

I was just remembering something.

After Michael and I were sealed in the temple,

there was a window of time for me to put on jewelry and makeup

(I knew the mascara would just get cried off)

and put the finishing touches on everything.

My mother was with me in the crowded, mirrored bridal room.

I remember that she was urging me to hurry up,

reminding me that everyone was waiting for us.

I didn't mean to dawdle;

I just remember feeling so very much at peace.

I felt so calm.

I felt so clean.

There wasn't a force in the world that could rush me...

I felt completely wrapped up in happiness and true love.

Salesmen and Barf

Hey, now that May is over, I guess I could review my resolutions, right? :D

Hmm...it's maybe not a good thing that I'm at a point where doing that makes me want to laugh...

Frugality? We're sort of slacking.

Harp practice? Better than before!

Strong body? YEAH!

Man, we're so proud of ourselves! We've been working out 5 days a week for 6+ weeks now, and it's wonderful! We're not too shabby on the nutrition department, either.

For a while, I was confused at this mass of fat that seemed to be GROWING on my belly--so not fair with all those negative pregnancy tests--but while talking to my sister Liz, I think I've figured it out! When you lose weight, the belly fat is typically the last to go. So while I lost everywhere else, maybe my stomach stayed the same and therefore looked horrible compared to the other shrinking parts! :) And I think I've finally leapt past that, too. I feel good, I look healthy.

And I think our recently improved health played a key role in preventing us from getting so sick this last weekend!

Our family reunion was so wonderful, such a blessing. So great that I had a hard time even writing good journal entries because I would have written SO many pages of all the happy things (it's hard for me to pick them apart, too)! And during all of that wonderful happiness, we had sick kiddos and a few sick adults. Flu sick. Barf and diarrhea sick.

I feel blessed; Ender got sick after we got home, and I had allergies bad enough that I couldn't smell any of the barf! Awesome.

Poor baby, though. When I was changing a particularly sewageful diaper of his, Michael said "Ender, you gotta stop diarrhea-ing!" Ender replied apologetically "It just got out."

I went off to the grocery store to pick up some soda and saltines (and 100 other things I didn't realize we needed...of course), and when I got home, a salesman perfected his nonchalance by watching me unload bags and asking "I'm just curious..."

RIGHT. No you're not. I mean, I don't mind salesmen too badly if they just come out with "Hey, I'd love to sell you this!" Fine, then I don't feel so bad saying "No. Goodbye."

But he asked me where we go to have our oil changed and stuff.

"We do it ourselves."

It probably still would cost more than the great deal he had to offer me...

"Well, we don't even have our car here! We're using my parents' car!" (and I'm not telling you that we're swapping back tomorrow).

He goes on about something, but at this point, I've stopped listening because Michael calls to me from the back of the house: "Heeeeelp!!!" Uh-oh. I interrupted the salesman:

"I'm sorry. I'm not interested, and I have to go now because my son just threw up and my husband needs my help. Have a nice day!"

...and he was gone!

Wow.

I think I'll use that next time even if Ender didn't throw up! :D

*in my mind I was more assertive and powerful...in real life, it might have been more apologetic and smiley and polite. But who wants to hear about that? What matters is how it played out in my head, right? :D Cause in there, I'm sooo cool...