I have refrained from posting--which needlessly brings guilt to my door--because I have wondered how to write something expressing how I feel and keep it positive. I needed to write so badly that I finally confessed in my journal.
It will be something of a project to post this entry, because I will want to write more and more on this subject as things get better.
And they will.
20 December 2008 Saturday (5 days till Christmas!)
I have mixed feelings about today; it's been good, for the most part. Ender warmed our hearts by greeting us cheerfully this morning, holding his snow tiger by the arm. We asked him what its name is, and he squealed "Elia!" (or AY-lee-uh). He's been good today--why wouldn't he be? He isn't naughty intentionally. I maintained a good level of patience, even though I found it hard at times. When he broke the plate? No sweat--it's just one less plate to wash. It made him cry, though. He wanted to play a lot today--nothing wrong with that--but we were doing some things that weren't...easy to share with baby hands (and spit-up). The presents needed to be wrapped at some point! We did most of it while he slept. We tried to play with him and entertain him, but when he got into non-baby things, he had a meltdown every time we moved him away. : He got SO tired at bedtime that he was hardly wakeable for his bottle--even when I held him upright and away from me!
Michael and I are okay. We are battling a strange blanket of moodiness... What from? Perhaps the disappointment in a couple of movies we started; they were so crude we turned them off within the first five minutes or so. We're glad of it, of course... so I don't know what the MOOD is from!
As for myself, I guess I'm wishing I'm a better person. I read Ether 3 this morning and felt so much gratitude for the example the brother of Jared sets by his humble, faithful prayer and righteousness. What about me? It's awfully harsh to compare anyone to him, but I couldn't help thinking of my own prayers and how they're lacking.
I read a little bit from the NieNie blog. That woman is so incredibly inspiring. Sure, I guess she's "normal," but not really... I kept thinking I'd love to be like that! and Why don't I do that? I ought to be better. I don't like the plateau on which I have settled. Sometimes it's as if there are just a lot of things to remember. A lot.
Once in a while it hurts me to see that I'm not proving my will to win by exercising the discipline to get there. I think I've got it, haven't I? Somewhere I do, I'm sure.
I recognize the solution, actually: the Atonement! So I need to harness the power of the Atonement in my life by praying more and praying with more faith...for help.
When the answer is so simple, why is it so hard to budge the natural man off?
I'm excited to see the family. Grandma's funeral is such a blessing. I miss them all terribly bad. There's no way we'll satisfy all the great needs for conversation, attention and time. I do hope, though, that it will be consoling as the visit satiates a little off the top of our yen to be together.
I'm also excited for Christmas! I want to be with my family and feel that happy love of sharing presents.
Q
Hey Qait - I guess I don't reply on blogs very often, but because your post is so close to what I've been feeling lately I felt the need to empathize a little. The natural man is difficult to throw off, and our inclination as human beings is to be impatient with ourselves and try to throw him off completely all at once. I've been comforted to learn that our willpower functions like a muscle, and that it only has a certain capacity. In other words, if you were to try to fix everything at once then you would probably experience "muscle" failure and then the things you already do well would start to suffer. The way to strengthen the muscle is to just choose one thing you wish to have more willpower in, and work on that a little at a time every day. Be patient as you continue to struggle with the other things, and take comfort in the fact the Lord set it up to be this way. As your capacity grows and you find you can do that new thing well along with the other things you already do well, then move on to something else. "Line upon line, precept upon precept..."
ReplyDeleteFrom my perspective its easy to see all of the things you do so well, so I'm sure that for Michael it's even easier. Rely on him to cheer you on, and I'm sure you'll be successful. Speaking of Ether (in your post), this whole process of turning weaknesses into strengths is really the test isn't it? Weaknesses are opportunities. They are our workshop - the place we tinker away at ourselves until we build something better and more like Christ. What a wonderful plan!
Good luck Kate, I'm sure you can do it!
Eric
Don't we have the most wonderful brother-in-law?! Such a beautiful, complete answer! I probably don't even need to add to it.
ReplyDeleteBut if I did....here's what I'd add: I agree. Completely. Just do a little at a time, do your best in that little-thing, and be forgiving of yourself! And something Abby told me that brings me great comfort--the Lord knows the desires of your heart. He knows how much we struggle, how badly we want to improve, and the feelings we experience when we come up short. Your heart is in the right place.