I have refrained from posting--which needlessly brings guilt to my door--because I have wondered how to write something expressing how I feel and keep it positive. I needed to write so badly that I finally confessed in my journal.
It will be something of a project to post this entry, because I will want to write more and more on this subject as things get better.
And they will.
20 December 2008 Saturday (5 days till Christmas!)
I have mixed feelings about today; it's been good, for the most part. Ender warmed our hearts by greeting us cheerfully this morning, holding his snow tiger by the arm. We asked him what its name is, and he squealed "Elia!" (or AY-lee-uh). He's been good today--why wouldn't he be? He isn't naughty intentionally. I maintained a good level of patience, even though I found it hard at times. When he broke the plate? No sweat--it's just one less plate to wash. It made him cry, though. He wanted to play a lot today--nothing wrong with that--but we were doing some things that weren't...easy to share with baby hands (and spit-up). The presents needed to be wrapped at some point! We did most of it while he slept. We tried to play with him and entertain him, but when he got into non-baby things, he had a meltdown every time we moved him away. : He got SO tired at bedtime that he was hardly wakeable for his bottle--even when I held him upright and away from me!
Michael and I are okay. We are battling a strange blanket of moodiness... What from? Perhaps the disappointment in a couple of movies we started; they were so crude we turned them off within the first five minutes or so. We're glad of it, of course... so I don't know what the MOOD is from!
As for myself, I guess I'm wishing I'm a better person. I read Ether 3 this morning and felt so much gratitude for the example the brother of Jared sets by his humble, faithful prayer and righteousness. What about me? It's awfully harsh to compare anyone to him, but I couldn't help thinking of my own prayers and how they're lacking.
I read a little bit from the NieNie blog. That woman is so incredibly inspiring. Sure, I guess she's "normal," but not really... I kept thinking I'd love to be like that! and Why don't I do that? I ought to be better. I don't like the plateau on which I have settled. Sometimes it's as if there are just a lot of things to remember. A lot.
Once in a while it hurts me to see that I'm not proving my will to win by exercising the discipline to get there. I think I've got it, haven't I? Somewhere I do, I'm sure.
I recognize the solution, actually: the Atonement! So I need to harness the power of the Atonement in my life by praying more and praying with more faith...for help.
When the answer is so simple, why is it so hard to budge the natural man off?
I'm excited to see the family. Grandma's funeral is such a blessing. I miss them all terribly bad. There's no way we'll satisfy all the great needs for conversation, attention and time. I do hope, though, that it will be consoling as the visit satiates a little off the top of our yen to be together.
I'm also excited for Christmas! I want to be with my family and feel that happy love of sharing presents.