I put my subtitle under Qaptain Mommypants more as a joke, but I had a miniature epiphany glancing at it today. Motherhood can be called "His Majesty's Ship." I am on the Lord's errand! As for the S.O.S., well, I can't do it alone!
(This is the moment I face often in blogging: my feelings go on, but the words have said it concisely enough that I could be done right there! I just have to trust my feelings are sufficiently carried through!)
Save My Confidence
At Ender's WIC appointment today, I saw a woman with HOT PINK lipstick on. IT LOOKED AMAZING! She had just the right amount of pink flush in her cheeks, complimented by darling freckles, and her gold-hazel eyes twinkled so nicely. I halted in my track to the door and told her how I loved her lipstick. "You look lovely! It makes me want to go home and try it myself!" She thanked me and returned the compliment. And I went home and tried it! I'm sure it's not just the lipstick making the difference, but I feel...stronger. I feel bold and ambitious.
Save Our Romance
I have started writing little love notes for Michael each day. I place them in various spots he rummages daily (*pictures soon enough*). Even when he doesn't discover them right away, my romance for him just balloons!
Save My Body and Spirit
I have yet to attack this "little" problem, but I made a list of consequences I have discovered for not taking care of my body and spirit. This means:
- mindless reading of the scriptures
- distracted, repetitious prayer
- overconsumption of junky food
- underconsumption of nutritious food
- lack of effective exercise
- bad sleep (too much, wrong time, etc.)
I'm sure I could make the list longer. But to the more important part: The Consequences:
I have felt inexplicable mood changes. Some are darker than others, but they come either for no reason or they come as an overreaction to little things. They are difficult to change, too!
- Inability to focus (this is a BIG one)
On Sunday, I would promise myself to really pay attention to the Sacrament. Not even two sentences into the prayer, my mind would already be elsewhere. It pained me that I could not even hold onto one deep thought to the end. Dumb things distracted me from important things.
This has been happening in the home as well (for a long time--check out Multitasking). I thought I was being smart; while in the kitchen, I'd realize the dishcloth needs to be replaced. Since I'm in Clean Mode, I take it to the laundry right away rather than letting it sit (and risk forgetting? Never!). While in the laundry room, I kick Ender's toys aside and decide to put them away the first time, instead of "making a job" for myself later. His toys extend to the hall. I pick up some randomly misplaced object that is on my way back to the kitchen, supposedly. Wherever it gets set down, I find my cell phone in an odd spot and decide it needs to be where I can always find it: on the bedside table with the charger. Eventually I realize I forgot to finish cleaning the kitchen. I believe you get the picture.
- Feeling ill ALL the time
The next point covers this pretty well, so I'll just say I have wondered way too many times if I'm pregnant again. What else would make me feel so nauseated? Why did I feel on the verge of throwing up every day? Sickness, sickness. It's sick.
In the hope that some current changes are permanent, I'll relate this in the past-tense.
Every morning came at me like a slap of an elephant's trunk--right in the face. "Awake" meant "PAIN!" As consciousness slipped in, so did the signals from my withering kidneys, twisted muscles, tight spine, dry eyes and swampy innards. Naturally, I wanted to disappear into dreamland again...maybe a little more sleep would erase all that gunk. As Rafiki would say, "Wrrrong again!" He'd probably bop me on the head with his staff, too. Dumb monkey.
Most of the time, I did pretty well in the Art of Distraction (maybe that's why multitasking is such a plague) so that I didn't have to think about pains and yuckiness. But the moment I sat still, my body registered all the tiring exertions of the day all together. Makes me tired to think of it all. In short (I should've started this way), I felt sick 24/7. Yes, even in my dreams.
- Lots of stress
Whoaa....okay, I don't feel like expounding on this much. Just the thought of all the knicked brain wires sparking in stress is enough to ignite them all over! I'm not generally a stressable person. Honestly, I'm not. So it should say a lot that I got stressed over Enderaccidents, Planthwartings, Healthickiness and Food. That stuff used to never come close to phasing me. (Phasing? What, like make me go werewolf all of a sudden?)
- Weak muscles and bones
This might aggravate me more than others, but my entire spine groans when I heave a light-weight box. My triceps are flabby. >:( Arg! And yeah, I remember, my armpits are stronger than my abs. I think I've heard somewhere that the buttocks is the biggest muscle? I daresay, what muscle? Biggest, sure, but muscle? Hm. How does that make me feel for the rest of my body...?
Basically, I "chase" after baby Enderkins and I'm panting. Granted, he's fast. But not that fast! My heartbeat rises to Thunder Level when I go up the stairs--and I go up them slowly! Now that's kind of maddening. For me, at least.
My tone has already tipped to irritated, hasn't it?! Hah, sorry. Maybe this one is kind of evident in the way it has blended into the description of my lack of strength.
Most importantly, I have felt a great chasm between me and my better grasp of spiritual health. I've mentioned a few physical things in this list of consequences, but the ones that have my greater concern are those that affect my spirituality. That gives me the deeper sadness at my failure to care for this wonderful body and spirit. The struggle to "budge" the natural man away has been hard in a different way than ever before. Most of the time, Natural Man covers categories under sin and carnal desire. The actions I chose which brought me to such a sorry state were not necessarily sinful or carnal! Indeed, I hope not! My Natural Man came about by way of slothfulness, little wrong choices compounding into fierce habits--such as embracing the life of the night owl, my new friend.
This project of mine, PETITIONING THE SAVIOR TO SAVE MY SHIP, will be a lifelong project. But I am determined to document the way with proof of improvement, steady and ongoing. God bless my little oars!