I am an emotional salad today. It's not fun.
There's a little bit of everything, and it's all tossed together:
I feel bipolar in the way I can be calm and exuding peaceful vibes but then explode the instant I discover I've walked into a puddle of pee in the bathroom. There goes that happiness, in comes utter frustration (accompanied by a battle of trying to help Ender understand WHY it is not cool to pee on the floor just to take a bath...while Scarlett cries, desperately hungry...and I have to change my now pee-soaked pajama pants). It's almost warthog level. But warthog level doesn't have confusing moments of joy or bliss. I almost prefer that to this emotional toss-up (spin the wheel, what will it land on?) because I at least get what's going on.
And no, it's not something I can blame on birth control. (Although I CAN blame it on my period...oh that lovely Monthly of mine).
:'( I've been stressed. This week, my milk supply has suffered. Not exactly sure why, but I think I can pin it on forgetting to eat (honest, I'm not trying to miss meals), being stressed with Ender's recent renewal of whining and wetting, being stressed with what seems to be teething for Scarlett already...and not getting enough sleep, at all. I think part of Scarlett's discomfort is that my milk wasn't as plentiful, but she really does have the symptoms of teething, along with a little hint of tooth under the gums.
In my pumping this week, I've managed to get 2 oz in 20+ minutes (4 oz. when I did it in the morning once) instead of my used-to-be-usual 6+ oz. in about 10-15 minutes. This is too early to dry up...I just can't stand the thought of drying up yet! Nursing has gone so well this time...
I've read up some ideas to get the milk coming back. Nursing less frequently (you'd think otherwise, but I was going at it every hour thinking she was going through a growth spurt). Normally, I'd think nursing more often would help give my body the signals to make more milk. That's just how it works. But doing it so frequently, my body never really had the chance to make enough for Scarlett each time (which was hard for her), and she wasn't getting the better, nutrient-rich milk like she should have. I'm also pumping every night again. And I'll take my dietary supplement Lactation Ease, even though that's not the same as straight fenugreek. And we're praying...
I don't like feeling so unpredictable with my emotions. :( I'm not even sure exactly why I want to share all of this except that maybe there will be some comfort in reaching outside the walls of my house today.
Oh, haha. I just realized a joke in all of this. I'm calling myself an emotional salad...but aha, salads are good for us, aren't they.
That's not really what I want to hear.
But I'll try to learn from all of this.
I can't WAIT for Saint Husband to rescue me this time with his unfailing magic...