|This post goes a little beyond my typical Qusing. It happens to come from my private blog; I realized there was nothing too gutsy coming from this particular "rant," so it gets to step outside the locked gates.|
Do you ever feel bad for sleeping in?
I've been so tired...I'm not really confused over it; we stay up too late (it's my ME time!), I'm recovering from a bad period and a stupid cold and watching 2 extra kids for 5 days (with one kid sick for a couple of those days) and tending to a sick Scarlett and enduring two weeks of ovarian cyst pain. All overlapping or at the same time.
So why would it be surprising?
But it is a little alarming to wake up and feel no conviction to get out of bed at all. No drive, no need, no sense of any urgency to begin the day. Normally, mornings are difficult for me, but there is that guilty tug that helps me finally leave the warm blankets and get going.
It's a little weird not to feel that. Guess how late I stayed in bed this morning? About 10:45. Yesterday we had church, so I got up at about 9:30. The day before? Totally slept in until about 11:30. And guess what happened on Friday? I slept in (maybe till about 10, I don't know), and then I felt so exhausted I decided to take a mini nap. No one seemed to need me at the moment, and everyone was content with whatever they were doing. So after getting a crick in my neck with a 10-minute doze on the couch, I climbed into bed.
And I slept all day.
Michael said he didn't wake me because they were doing fine while I slept, and he assumed I needed it. That is very selfless of him! I woke up baffled that it was...um...7:30 at night? Maybe it was 6:30...
Who does that? I mean, why do I do that? I don't want to let my brain go into hypochondriac hyperdrive and start wondering if I have thyroid problems or something...because I might start worrying about other things. Like how when I finally did get up, I "stood up too fast" and crashed onto the floor between the bed and the trunk (I hit my fingers on the trunk, but I missed all sharp corners). It's just stupid and funny to me now. But if I let myself worry??? I don't want to go there. I'm embarrassed when I start hunting up all these things it could be when it's really just something simple.
Sleeping in kind of makes me feel like a bad mom, though. Because yes, Ender comes and talks to me and asks if I can help him with this or that. Yes, I can hear Scarlett cry between waves of sleep that hold me under. Yes, I heard my phone ring, muffled under my pillow. Yes, I had plans to go to the gym today...for the first time in nearly 3 weeks. I do miss the gym.
Do I feel like that because my mother never slept in? She never did. Never later than me, at least. Even during the years in high school that I somehow got up at 4am, my mother also did. The only time I can remember my mother sleeping a lot was when she caught pneumonia in Georgia. The house was very quiet and still, and her room was dark. She laid in bed, and we worried around the house as we carried on with our daily doings.
Is it scary for kids when their mom sleeps in? Does it create confusion for kids who have to wait for breakfast while Mommy waits for her eyelids to unglue? Do they feel powerless and alone? I mean if this happens regularly. It seems like there would be some significant disorder in result of such vague, shifty mornings.
I feel bad for it. I must seem like such an irresponsible, lazy, negligent, selfish mother to sleeeeeep while her kids cry or whine or sit around all morning.