Thursday, April 24, 2014

I Run Back to My Mother's Arms

Dropping Ender off for school is hard for me emotionally. Almost every time. Because I remember what school felt like. I remember how sometimes it was so hard to go, to leave my comfortable home and face the day. And some days at school are really tough to get through. It's like all of those memories and feelings come up when I see Ender peek out the window of the van as we pull up to his school.
This morning, he was about to step out of the van when he jumped back and gave me a tight hug. It was a spontaneous action full of meaning. I watched him go through the school gate. But I had a harder time than usual this morning because of a song that started playing right then.
Enya's "Evacuee" from Shepherd Moons. I loved Enya growing up. And then I grew out of it. Her music really doesn't mean as much to me anymore. But I keep it around, because it happens to be one of the better solutions for my worst days; when the kids are misbehaving and I can feel myself ready to explode at them, I put on Enya to help numb away my frustrations. It works. Yesterday was just such a day, so an Enya CD was already in the van. I don't really care if you're a fan of Enya or not, since I understand either way, but let me share the lyrics of the song that played this morning, at the moment Ender jumped back to hug me:

Each time on my leaving home
I run back to my mother's arms,
one last hold and then it's over.

Watching me, you know I cry,
you wave a kiss to say goodbye,
Feel the sky fall down upon me!

All I am,
a child with promises
All I have
are miles full of promises of home.

If only I could stay with you,
my train moves on, you're gone from view,
Now I must wait until it's over.

Days will pass, your words to me,
it seems so long; eternity,
but I must wait until it's over.

The words in Enya's song really caught me off guard and surprised me in bringing up the emotions I was trying to smooth over. After the difficulty of yesterday, I was trying especially hard to be soft with my children, to remember and see their sweetness instead of focusing on little see their potential as children of God. A child with promises...
School is hard. It is emotionally hard for Ender sometimes, even though he is a fantastic student and enjoys his friends. It's a different world. And school is hard for me, not only because it takes away some of my illusion of "control" in Ender's life, but also because it draws a stark curtain of contrast between that world and our home world. Our home becomes ever more important as a haven for Ender. He needs to feel loved and safe here to combat the difficulties of school. Even on the best days at home, if he's had a hard day at school, it affects us all.
I suppose that's why my heart aches when I drop him off for school. I want so badly for him to have a beautiful day, to feel confident and cared for. I want so badly for his friends and teachers to see the wonderful spirit I see in him. I pray fervently every time he steps out of the van that he'll have a really happy day, that he'll be strong, that he will feel smart and be kind. Sometimes he seems like such a little boy in such a big world.


  1. This is so lovely. I feel for Ender, too! I so fiercely want to protect him and keep him safe from all the bad stuff in the world. But posts like this actually give me confidence that he'll be okay. He's got a wonderful mother, and he clearly recognizes that. You give him more safety and love than most kids will ever get. Thanks for being a great role model. I look up to you every day. :)

    1. Thank you, Lynnae. Your words are comforting. I look up to you too!!!


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