Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Turquoise High Heels Make Me Feel Better

I've got to say...it's been a beautiful and EXTREMELY emotional day.

Somehow I got out of bed on time (6:00am) to jog around the house with Michael. The morning air is quite chilly and sunk to my chest. I felt like my throat was pulling in, constricting. But I loved the slap of my shoes on the irregular sidewalk. I even loved falling behind Michael...so I could watch his behind. I loved knowing I could catch up with him anytime--he is as new to this jogging routine as I am.
When we got home, I made an omelet, bacon, toast and orange juice for breakfast. I am a big fan of the Classic Breakfasts! It's my favorite meal of the day--and it's even better when I'm preparing it for a grateful, hungry, freshly-showered husband who looks irresistible in his suit and tie. His gorgeous hair makes him too handsome to be so professional! How can a man that beautiful go to work?

Having that pocket of time for us makes the rest of the day far less scary. It doesn't hurt as much that his schedule is booked and that he has very little time at home.

I had lots of time for myself before Ender woke up (the lucky boy sleeps about 12 hours every night). I got to study the scriptures without watching the time. I took a quick shower and had the luxury of doing my hair and makeup without feeling anxious about the time. Right now, Ender is in his highchair, which I scooted next to the computer. He's devouring loads of Cheerios! I love his baby voice; he babbles emphatically about his food, sometimes when it's in his mouth.

Still, I've leaked my share of tears. Happy tears, I'd like to think. I read my sisters' blogs and felt everything they felt (except maybe on some kind of hypersensitive level?). I cried when I learned about the sweet Nielson family (Stephanie and Christian), I cried when I read about Rae visiting with my grandma, and I cried when I thought of the closeness I share with my sisters. I nearly cried when my grandpa answered the phone.
While reading Rae's blog, I felt like that I must call my grandparents. What was I waiting for?
When I asked how they were doing, my grandpa said "Grandma's trying to die. It's that time now." I held back tears as they calmly explained their feelings. "Death is part of life, and we're ready. Grandma is so tired now. She sleeps till 9:00, takes her medicine, and falls asleep again. It's hard to cook for her--she has hardly any appetite." I thanked my grandparents for their testimonies and strength. I even kidded myself into thinking I felt strong, too. But as Grandma asked how Ender is doing and expressed her love for him and how delightful babies are to her, and laughed that when Ender babbled over the phone he must be telling her he loved her, I had a very hard time saying anything for the knot in my throat. I wish they could meet my little Elias Anders. He is such a brilliant boy. They would adore him. I wish that Michael and I could visit them.
Grandpa did say he thinks after Grandma dies, she will get to see the entire family before she moves on to her work. He talked about the funeral, that he feels it will be a sweet occasion. My papa has agreed to conduct the service.
I think the worst I felt throughout the phone call (and walking to the grocery store while running it through my head again) was for my mother. I have always known how close she is to Grandma. They are so alike--they are 2 of the 3 women I look up to the most (Sister Hinckley is the other). And my mother must feel such a deep grief for being so close to losing her own mother.
I know we do not "lose" those who die. Oh, I know it so well. But the grief is as real as any, even with the comfort of reunion in the future. We miss them! How we miss them!

* * *

Much time has passed since I began and am now finishing this post! I'm very excited about a little purchase I made for myself at a little fashion party...TURQUOISE HIGH HEELS! Woohoo! It felt nice to do that after such a day full of feminine aches and tears.
Yeah, I know...material comfort...


  1. Oh, Kate, what an appropriate post on this particular day! The last paragraph--actually the second to last, warms me through and through. Your faith is contagious and uplifting.

    And hooray for turquoise high heels! :) I have some pale green wedges that make me feel AMAZING when I wear them, though they squash my feet painfully--it's worth it. ;)

  2. How wonderful that Grandma was so lucid during your phone call! What a blessing.

    And turquoise heels?! Ahem, pictures?? :) I have a pair red leather wedges...but alas, nothing to wear them with yet! (Or nothing that has seemed right...must go consult my fashion coach....*bring bring*...Rae? I need your help...)

  3. Woohoo! I'm so glad you posted a picture of the turquoise heels. :) They're BEAUTIFUL and SO ARE YOU! I love the shirt & skirt too.

  4. Kate, I just saw the picture of you with the shoes (& adorable accompanying outfit!!)--SO SEXY!! I LOVE THEM!!

  5. yeah but material comforts are still real! and i never knew you looked up to Sister Hinckley! I hardly know anything about her! Did you read about her or something? I think you wrote this a long time ago but I finally read your blog now. Now that there are entries to read. I guess me and Liz are the only ones left who don't blog...

  6. Hello, your shoes are lovely. I bought some turqoise heels myself and am clueless what to match them with! Can you kindly provide some pointers?

    Ta, May

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