Thursday, February 5, 2009

Cramps and Cookies

Anyone else get antsy when their husband's gone and they hear an ambulance outside?

The last few nights, I haven't slept well. No big reason (bad mattress, cramps, et cetera). So I've had hours at my disposal to daydream. Sometimes almost in response to the dream I had a while ago about another baby. By the way, that post is kind of embarrassing me. It's so very much a naked heart post. Yuck. It's all true, but it feels maudlin to me now that I've written it and shared it. I suppose that's what happens when you share something really personal. You have to be more careful than that, don't you?

So you know what I daydream? I dream that I have a fancy Mary Kay car, beautiful clothes, a gorgeous yet modest home with lovely furniture and a sparkly, organized kitchen. I dream that Michael is hired as a seminary teacher. Ender is usually walking in these dreams, and sometimes I go further into the future when we can play Legos together, and he'll think I'm the coolest mom. Michael will come home from work, and we'll show him what sweet things we've done together. Sometimes Ender will be sick, so I cuddle with him in a blanket and watch a kid movie. I dream of having a flawless pregnancy--or beating the odds of a bad one. Always happy, never grumpy (and don't make fun of me, because these are daydreams. I'm totally allowed to dream). I dream of living in the same neighborhood as a sister. I dream of non-snowy weather, like going for a bike ride in the autumn time, breathing crisp air and smelling the sharp scents of dried leaves. Sometimes I daydream that I'm this totally cool Young Women's leader. That's...that's a sillier wish of mine. : AHEM! ANYWAY, a recurring daydream of mine is that I have my own exercise studio lined with mirrors and windows, shining over a bright hardwood floor. I do yoga, pilates and even dance. It's the most embarrassing thing even in my mind, I tell you. P.S. - Rae, you wondered once how to underline on your blog, saying it's mysteriously left out. The shortcut is ctrl + U. I also like to daydream that my mother is visiting. I just miss her.

Like I said before, our plans are not changing. But I have thought more and more about what it would be like to be pregnant with a second or to have a second child. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea. And even though nothing can fully prepare me, I feel more emotionally steady with myself and the prospect of being a mother of multiple children. It's nice. And in the meantime, I love having my one little Ender to baby.

To baby? To mother? Whatever. He gets babied because I mother him. I like to be babied, when I get that nasty swamp of cramps in my gut? Euuughghghhg. And Michael is all too willing to convince me that I don't need to wake up at 5:30AM. Of course I don't. I need my rest. :) The wonderful thing about that is I don't even feel guilty! Why would I! I didn't exercise yesterday, but I did wonderful things and succeeded in my determination to make it a happy day for my boys. And I'll exercise today, so it will be at least 3 times this week. It's fine, it's wonderful.

I have three cookies left sitting on a cookie sheet on top of the fridge. Part of me whispers that I should eat them so I can finally clean the sheet. Yes, that really is my reasoning. I ignore the smart voice that says "Duh, just put them in a bag or something." Part of me whispers that I should throw them away because they weren't cooked all the way through. But that voice is just dumb because who cares if they're a little more like cookie dough than cookie? I eat cookie dough, too! WITH EGG!
I do try to take salmonella seriously, I do. It's just harder when it comes with chocolate chips.
I'll leave it to you to decide what I do with those cookies...


  1. Qait, I love reading your blog. You write so vividly and with such heart that it makes me smile. Eat the cookies....then you can wash the cookie pan and make more that you can store in a bag or throw away...can you tell I wish I could come eat them for you??

  2. I'm with you--just eat the cookies to clear the pan. :)

    This post is poignant and also made me chuckle. But this part: [I also like to daydream that my mother is visiting. I just miss her.] made me tear up a little. Oh, I love you.

  3. i know what you did with those cookies! you ATE them you guilty girl!
    oh and by the way i love your daydreams too. it reminds me of that journal you had when you were 12 and lied on like every other page... :D and on one page you put "things i wished today" it was so cute! i can only remember two of your wishes though. one, that you had bigger boobs. (be careful what you wish for!) and two, that what's his face oh yeah steven quinn liked you. :D

  4. I know! Hilarious journal!
    I'm sad to admit, I couldn't even finish ONE cookie because they tasted really really odd. Scary odd. I threw them away. :'( It was so tragic!

  5. I have to tell you, John and I think that TWO kids IS SO Much better than one! Of course it's hard, but to see the sibling's amazing!
    We are about to start working on going from 2-3 , I've heard that is a rough one...I'm kinda nervous!


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