Michael will not be hired.
His teachers and advisors pulled all the strings and fought harder for him than they have for anyone. They love Michael, and he is an excellent teacher. There really is no doubt about that!
One of the teachers at least got an interview (a step towards being hired). It's really tight this year. And even though we think--kindly so--it might have been a fluke that that one teacher had a good lesson the day he was watched. Michael prepares his lessons in his office while that teacher has classes and notices lots of struggles in that teacher's lessons. But don't think we feel bitter. We feel hopeful for that teacher! It is quite a blessing he is getting so far!
When Michael told me, for some reason I felt like congratulating him. We finally had an answer! This has been the longest job interview, to say the least. Just to hear yes OR no is a relief. It's been a hopeful maybe for about two and a half years. We're so blessed to not feel any grief over this!
I believe I have been prepared for this moment. All my life, I've had to learn to adjust to rapid changes. Our Army family moved about every two years. You find out you're leaving, and you let your mind slowly unravel from the things to which it's grown attached. The unraveling tendrils tentatively reach out for new dreams and adventures, exploring the imagination for what this next chapter will be like. You learn to love more; you keep old friends and build new ones into the picture. You learn to change; you have a chance to prove you are better than you've been before.
So when this moment came, I felt a great peace wash in as I forgot all dreams of a career in seminary. Instead, excitement surged in, surrounded by scenes of the newly possible future. Michael could dedicate himself more than ever to his passion of composing! I would have more reason to be successful in my Mary Kay business! We could live ANYWHERE we want! For as LONG as we want! Michael will study music, in any school from the thrilling schools of Estonia to the romantic coast of Oregon to the family central of Utah.
It feels like a long, deep, clean breath of fresh freedom.
We had our cry about seminary a long time ago when Michael returned from being watched with a request to "improve." He did improve. And in the meantime, we realized more so than ever that seminary might not happen for us. We kept hoping, but the reality stayed apparent. There's still a strange chance that Michael may be needed--the hiring process actually continues through September. If he were offered a job, he'd take it. He loves the youth and loves to teach them. But we're not dangling for life on that chance anymore. It's hard to say if we ever did, come to think of it. We have no regrets, we've put everything into seminary together that we could. Perhaps we always loved the vision of a composer's life and wanted it the most. Maybe I just think so because I've let go of seminary... All I know is that we're incredibly blessed. I know Heavenly Father will continue to bless us. We've seen it; He blesses all these men and their families who dedicate themselves to the chance they might be hired to preach the gospel. He honors us for our faith.
....imagining myself leisurely strolling the streets of Estonia with my little boy's hand in mine while we look in shop windows, happy with life....
....imagining us running along the crust of the ocean, our feet making soppy puddles in the dark sand of Oregon....
....imagining living in the same neighborhood as even one relative, stopping by for something as little as saying hello....