Monday, July 11, 2011

Soon, Whatever That Means

I should be showering right now--scratch that, I should be eating right now and then showering--but the blog is sending its powerful forces of persuasion while I'm already taking a moment at the computer.

At my delightful baby shower, I had fun joking with all the women about how we get so READY to have the baby that we're a little on the desperate side. We talked about ways to induce labor, what it's like to be in labor, etc. But I've realized after surprising everyone by making it to church yet again that I don't mind. After all the fun of saying how much I'd love to have her NOW, I've realized I actually still feel patient.
So does Michael.

We're okay with waiting, with letting ourselves be surprised when it finally happens. We still pray that she'll come "soon," which once in a while has made me feel a little silly since I realize that technically, any time she comes is soon. But I don't feel like Heavenly Father thinks I'm silly. Even though He surely gets bazillions of Pregnant Prayers with the same request, I think He's excited, too! This will be an incredible occasion, monumental and vastly important! The arrival of Scarlett is no light matter! She will be sent to us with great joy, and we will receive her with great joy! A little bundle of a bright spirit. Darling Scarlett Estelle.

So we're admittedly hoping for the wonderful surprise of having her NOW, but it will be wonderful whenever the moment comes!

When I was pregnant with Ender, I did not feel patient. It didn't help when people tried to encourage me with the promise that it wouldn't be forever, that it never is. Once I hit 36 weeks, I felt like I might as well be done and have him. It was a fairly rotten pregnancy, too, but I felt like I was clawing at the due date. I couldn't make the days go fast enough, and the last weeks seemed completely superfluous to the pregnancy. Why bother with them if it would be medically "safe" to have him earlier?
I remember many occasions that I broke down and bawled in my prayers to Heavenly Father and begged Him to bless me to go into labor right away. I felt so very done with the pain, the exhaustion, the wait. One specific breakdown was brought on by a little accident on my way to the car between classes. It was winter in Rexburg, and that Tuesday morning I had decided to look a little nicer for devotional and forego my everyday snow boots. I chose some shoes that were appropriate for a skirt but honestly very ugly: my non-slip shoes. I was trying to be wise, you see.
Alas! My non-slip shoes failed me, and I slipped in the parking lot! My backpack swung off my shoulders, my skirt got yanked up, and as I blocked my stomach with my arms, I scraped my left leg across the asphalt, winding up with a huge gash up my shin and knee. It was ugly. I looked around for perhaps a little help, but no one else was in the parking lot. So I stumbled to my car, got in, and promptly started to cry my guts out.
I prayed and cried and prayed and cried for half an hour, at least. I felt so miserable. Plus, my leg hurt.
Some default comfort kicked in finally, my automatic timer Optimism telling me I ought to be done and simply buck up. I cleaned my leg as well as I could with some stashed fast food napkins, and I limped to my French class holding my skirt up so it wouldn't stick to the wound. I felt like apologizing, as if I were trying to show off my scrape.
I'm so glad my teachers were understanding and lenient when I had days like that. I tried not to, so it only happened a few times, but I'm glad it was never an issue, academically speaking.

This time it's like I'm allowed to feel that way, but I'm surprised to find that I really don't feel that way. I'm not hoping to push the date away out of fear or nervousness. Like I said, NOW would be awesome. But it's okay if I make it to my chiropractor appointment. It's okay if I end up seeing the midwife again to be told that I'm not dilated past 3 yet. And it's even okay if I wind up at church on Sunday and make it through primary another week. Besides, singing time is already planned.
(The only disappointment there? I will NOT be there the last Sunday of this month, and singing time for that Sunday will be SO fun! I actually wish I could do it!)

We're not even 100% sure what my due date is. On one record, I've got today. On another, tomorrow. My original math told me it would be the 18th. According to a newer calculation from ovulation, it's the 15th.

Soon...that's good enough!

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