*Just in case you wonder, buoy is pronounced BOO-ee, as long as you're American. I guess everyone knows that, but the spelling throws me off so badly that I have to remind myself, and I figure there's someone out there enough like me that maybe you didn't know!
A post like the last one kind of needs an epilogue, don't you think?
I am so blessed. I needed relief today, and while I secretly hoped my harp student would surprise me and cancel her lesson, I geared myself up (and put on nice clothes) and determined to make it the lesson she needed.
Guess what? It was the lesson I needed, too. After all, service is the best medicine for me. So when Judy came for her lesson feeling guilty that she hadn't practiced, I helped her feel better by genuinely caring for her needs instead of worrying about the technicalities of expectations--or whatever you'd call it. Judy left feeling very encouraged and excited about being more involved with the harp even in little ways.
As she left, I smiled to myself (and really, to Heavenly Father) that that had been just what I needed, too. I needed to doctor someone else to get my own dose of medicine.
Audrey's mom (who is also my friend) called, and I felt that I should remind her how I enjoy watching Audrey. I told her honestly that I really love to take care of Audrey. Even on the hard days. She is a sweet baby, and as I talked with her mom, I knew I really don't have any hard feelings towards Audrey.
There was a series of days, even weeks, that I struggled with my temper. Watching Audrey those days was really trying sometimes. But even during that time, when I was something of a Jekyll&Hyde Mother, I tried to be clear-minded and careful about what I said and did because I felt so eager to grow out of my temper problem. I think I did, with prayer.
By the way, as an interesting thought I'd like to share, I think those difficulties came not only from some unruly hormones--oh yes, this pregnancy definitely had a hand in it--but from a worry that Audrey and I would become too attached to each other. I worried for her sake and her mother's that we would grow too close. After all, I watch her about nine hours a day. It's a real concern...although at the same time, I know I can't replace Audrey's mother. I know I don't mean the same thing even in my best love for Audrey. It's just that when Audrey crawls to my feet and says what sounds like "mama," I want to shake my head and remind her it's not me. What I think it comes down to is faith. Audrey's mom and I both prayed about taking this on. And we both felt right about it, in every way. I need to have faith that because this is right, Heavenly Father will bless Audrey and her mother. Me, too. I can love Audrey as much as is possible for my heart (and I'll be frank--I've got a lot of love in my heart to go around), and Audrey will know she's loved and will know her mother loves her. You can't give a baby too much love.
The biggest difference from this morning to now is that I've felt very blessed, very loved. Heavenly Father knows my heart, and even if the rest of the day proceeds like the beginning, it's alright. I've still got my buoy from the first round.
POST-EDIT: When I wrote the last post, I felt tempted to joke about how nobody had better call me today since I felt weepy...but I thought to myself Oh that's stupid, that's like me saying I don't need anybody, and I know I do. Well guess what? Long-time friend Keri from Germany called and we're hanging out this Saturday. And my sister-friend Lynnae and I are figuring out some time to hang out this weekend as well. This reminds me of the time I prayed for help to stay awake during devotionals in college and Heavenly Father blessed me with not one but...five? six? boys asking to accompany me to devotional.
Heavenly Father likes to do that. I guess I forget how much I'm loved. :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Kryptonite Strikes!
Blogging is certainly therapeutic when some days don't hold up as well as the SuperDays. It may seem like a bipolar flip flop here, but that's okay. I didn't expect today to compare to yesterday.
But I also didn't expect it to be so opposite.
I'm being a nice mommy, and I really am doing well today in that regard. Ten points for efforts.
This morning was alright, pretty cheerful and pleasant. But Ender was not happy that Audrey woke up. Everything she did bothered him, whether she was touching his stuff or crawling towards him (oh no!) or playing at my feet. So while I put a shower curtain up, I heard a shriek and then Ender hollered. I came to see what was the matter, and Audrey was about a foot away from Ender's train tracks. I repositioned her and talked to Ender about being nice, bla bla bla, and he said "I squeeze her."
Yikes. Audrey was okay, but I talked with him about that, spanked him very gently and "shamed" him very sternly that he must never squeeze people, especially babies.
Things went alright from there, for the most part. And then Ender started whining that he was hungry. We'd recently finished a very hearty, filling breakfast, so even though it's possible he was hungry, I told him he needed to wait just a little bit because it wasn't time for lunch--and he'd had a snack just barely, anyway. He whined again and again, and I told him to stop asking me (and honestly, I was using a kind voice. I promise). He was quiet for a little bit. And then as I turned back to the computer (which by the way I had not sat at for long; I really wasn't neglecting him), I felt his little fist punch into my arm. Pretty hard.
That hurt my feelings more than anything...It's so confusing. I understand that children sometimes do those things because they feel a pretty natural urge. And I understand that despite our efforts, he may have seen some punching action before (even in kid movies it happens). But really, we just don't do that! Michael and I are gentle, both with each other and Ender and everyone else.
I held Ender's hands firmly at his side and looked in his face. I felt like I was pleading with him when I told him to not ever do that...and I couldn't help but ask him why. He still doesn't always understand that question, but I had to ask. I pulled him into a hug and cried. We talked about it.
Standing behind him for a short time-out in the corner, I cried some more while he told me to stop being sad and that he wasn't sad. In all of this, Audrey had decided she was sick of her Johnny-Jump-Up and started shrieking (I'm sorry, I know that's not the nicest word, but I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the unearthly sounds that can come from the cutest of babies...and it's simply the appropriate description here, at the least).
Even as I felt the stress levels surge up, I shoved them down by surrendering to my tears and tiredness.
I stayed up till 2am with Michael while he finished his homework and got up around 7:30 or so. I sent wordless prayers to Heavenly Father and let myself be comforted, knowing I'm tired and that being upset won't help anyone. I'm so tired it's hard to believe that frowning takes more muscle than smiling. Does it really? Maybe technically I'm not frowning, my face is just sort of dead. That's one thing crying does.
Things haven't calmed down by much right now, but at least Audrey has realized she's not in the J-J-U anymore. It took a long time for her to calm down even after I took her out. Ender is entertaining himself with the toys strapped to it, pretty much oblivious to his naughtiness... He's such an innocent toddler, which can be frustrating when I'm trying to impress upon him the seriousness of what he's done.
I'm really, really hoping that nap time lasts at least a little longer than the harp lesson I'll teach during it.
I think I will call a babysitter and take Michael's offer to go to that mandatory concert of his tonight.
*sigh* Especially since the dog-pitch kryptonitic screaming has started again. (Actually, dog-pitch would be nice because then I couldn't hear it, right?) *yet another sigh* Well maybe kryptonite is Superman's weakness, but it can't be Superwoman's. Because first of all, I'm too tired to be angry today. But second of all, I just will not let myself be angry. I will be kind and gentle even though it makes me cry that today my efforts don't change Ender's behavior.
But I also didn't expect it to be so opposite.
I'm being a nice mommy, and I really am doing well today in that regard. Ten points for efforts.
This morning was alright, pretty cheerful and pleasant. But Ender was not happy that Audrey woke up. Everything she did bothered him, whether she was touching his stuff or crawling towards him (oh no!) or playing at my feet. So while I put a shower curtain up, I heard a shriek and then Ender hollered. I came to see what was the matter, and Audrey was about a foot away from Ender's train tracks. I repositioned her and talked to Ender about being nice, bla bla bla, and he said "I squeeze her."
Yikes. Audrey was okay, but I talked with him about that, spanked him very gently and "shamed" him very sternly that he must never squeeze people, especially babies.
Things went alright from there, for the most part. And then Ender started whining that he was hungry. We'd recently finished a very hearty, filling breakfast, so even though it's possible he was hungry, I told him he needed to wait just a little bit because it wasn't time for lunch--and he'd had a snack just barely, anyway. He whined again and again, and I told him to stop asking me (and honestly, I was using a kind voice. I promise). He was quiet for a little bit. And then as I turned back to the computer (which by the way I had not sat at for long; I really wasn't neglecting him), I felt his little fist punch into my arm. Pretty hard.
That hurt my feelings more than anything...It's so confusing. I understand that children sometimes do those things because they feel a pretty natural urge. And I understand that despite our efforts, he may have seen some punching action before (even in kid movies it happens). But really, we just don't do that! Michael and I are gentle, both with each other and Ender and everyone else.
I held Ender's hands firmly at his side and looked in his face. I felt like I was pleading with him when I told him to not ever do that...and I couldn't help but ask him why. He still doesn't always understand that question, but I had to ask. I pulled him into a hug and cried. We talked about it.
Standing behind him for a short time-out in the corner, I cried some more while he told me to stop being sad and that he wasn't sad. In all of this, Audrey had decided she was sick of her Johnny-Jump-Up and started shrieking (I'm sorry, I know that's not the nicest word, but I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the unearthly sounds that can come from the cutest of babies...and it's simply the appropriate description here, at the least).
Even as I felt the stress levels surge up, I shoved them down by surrendering to my tears and tiredness.
I stayed up till 2am with Michael while he finished his homework and got up around 7:30 or so. I sent wordless prayers to Heavenly Father and let myself be comforted, knowing I'm tired and that being upset won't help anyone. I'm so tired it's hard to believe that frowning takes more muscle than smiling. Does it really? Maybe technically I'm not frowning, my face is just sort of dead. That's one thing crying does.
Things haven't calmed down by much right now, but at least Audrey has realized she's not in the J-J-U anymore. It took a long time for her to calm down even after I took her out. Ender is entertaining himself with the toys strapped to it, pretty much oblivious to his naughtiness... He's such an innocent toddler, which can be frustrating when I'm trying to impress upon him the seriousness of what he's done.
I'm really, really hoping that nap time lasts at least a little longer than the harp lesson I'll teach during it.
I think I will call a babysitter and take Michael's offer to go to that mandatory concert of his tonight.
*sigh* Especially since the dog-pitch kryptonitic screaming has started again. (Actually, dog-pitch would be nice because then I couldn't hear it, right?) *yet another sigh* Well maybe kryptonite is Superman's weakness, but it can't be Superwoman's. Because first of all, I'm too tired to be angry today. But second of all, I just will not let myself be angry. I will be kind and gentle even though it makes me cry that today my efforts don't change Ender's behavior.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I Just Have to Say
I'm SUPERWOMAN! :D
(Where's my awesome Superwoman doodle?!)
We have all had an awesome day. We've all been happy, even during Ender's trying hours of constipation--I'm most amazed that he was happy, too! By the way, we had success. He did indeed poop in the potty, which was such a relief for BOTH of us. And Audrey was incredibly easy to watch today, which is partly because Michael had fun carrying her around while he was home, but also because she was just especially mellow today. Even when she was constipated.
And I rearranged some furniture. Our living room looks magically bigger with the harp back in its first corner (although now I need to rethink where pictures are hung).
Plus I did the dishes and cleaned up yesterday's mayhem (is anyone else super inclined to be piggish slobs on Sundays?).
And I did a load of laundry. So far it hasn't caught up to me again yet--somebody give me a big Army HOO-AH!!!
THEN! Or wait, I guess I should say...um...well, NEXT. But that doesn't sound as exciting.
We packed everyone up and dropped Michael off at work and then went grocery shopping.
In the rain.
BIG, delicious, fat rain.
And I hauled Audrey's carseat, my pregnant belly (which totally counts), a huge Netherlands-heavy-duty umbrella and Ender into the store...put Ender in the car-like grocery cart and secured Audrey's carseat in the front seat thing, and proceeded to get all my groceries with speed and relatively smooth rolling.
I hate those car-carts, but I needed Ender attached to the cart. He was angelic. So was Audrey, who liked having me stick my grocery list in her lap and smile at her as we went through the aisles. And I stayed very much within my budget (by a huge amount)!
THEN!!!! When we were all done, I hauled all the groceries, umbrella, babies and self with huge cart out to the car! Packed everything and kept at least the kids dry (wow). And no groceries are damaged.
THEN!!!!!! At home? Swapped Audrey over to her mother, got Ender inside, and brought all those tons of groceries into the house in TWO trips.
My hair is like Hermione Hair from the rain, but I had so much fun! It was a great adventure, and I so love the rain that it made everything exciting instead of...I don't know, difficult.
All of this on a day that I barfed this morning. That is great. Not the barf, the accomplishments--I rarely recover all the way on a day I barf; it usually leaves me very low-energy. But Michael brought me a jamba even though I thought I was fine. My sweetheart! :)
Now! I'm going to go to the bathroom finally, eat something, draw something and then read a book.
Oh yeah, after I put away the groceries!!!
(Where's my awesome Superwoman doodle?!)
We have all had an awesome day. We've all been happy, even during Ender's trying hours of constipation--I'm most amazed that he was happy, too! By the way, we had success. He did indeed poop in the potty, which was such a relief for BOTH of us. And Audrey was incredibly easy to watch today, which is partly because Michael had fun carrying her around while he was home, but also because she was just especially mellow today. Even when she was constipated.
And I rearranged some furniture. Our living room looks magically bigger with the harp back in its first corner (although now I need to rethink where pictures are hung).
Plus I did the dishes and cleaned up yesterday's mayhem (is anyone else super inclined to be piggish slobs on Sundays?).
And I did a load of laundry. So far it hasn't caught up to me again yet--somebody give me a big Army HOO-AH!!!
THEN! Or wait, I guess I should say...um...well, NEXT. But that doesn't sound as exciting.
We packed everyone up and dropped Michael off at work and then went grocery shopping.
In the rain.
BIG, delicious, fat rain.
And I hauled Audrey's carseat, my pregnant belly (which totally counts), a huge Netherlands-heavy-duty umbrella and Ender into the store...put Ender in the car-like grocery cart and secured Audrey's carseat in the front seat thing, and proceeded to get all my groceries with speed and relatively smooth rolling.
I hate those car-carts, but I needed Ender attached to the cart. He was angelic. So was Audrey, who liked having me stick my grocery list in her lap and smile at her as we went through the aisles. And I stayed very much within my budget (by a huge amount)!
THEN!!!! When we were all done, I hauled all the groceries, umbrella, babies and self with huge cart out to the car! Packed everything and kept at least the kids dry (wow). And no groceries are damaged.
THEN!!!!!! At home? Swapped Audrey over to her mother, got Ender inside, and brought all those tons of groceries into the house in TWO trips.
My hair is like Hermione Hair from the rain, but I had so much fun! It was a great adventure, and I so love the rain that it made everything exciting instead of...I don't know, difficult.
All of this on a day that I barfed this morning. That is great. Not the barf, the accomplishments--I rarely recover all the way on a day I barf; it usually leaves me very low-energy. But Michael brought me a jamba even though I thought I was fine. My sweetheart! :)
Now! I'm going to go to the bathroom finally, eat something, draw something and then read a book.
Oh yeah, after I put away the groceries!!!
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