Blogging is certainly therapeutic when some days don't hold up as well as the SuperDays. It may seem like a bipolar flip flop here, but that's okay. I didn't expect today to compare to yesterday.
But I also didn't expect it to be so opposite.
I'm being a nice mommy, and I really am doing well today in that regard. Ten points for efforts.
This morning was alright, pretty cheerful and pleasant. But Ender was not happy that Audrey woke up. Everything she did bothered him, whether she was touching his stuff or crawling towards him (oh no!) or playing at my feet. So while I put a shower curtain up, I heard a shriek and then Ender hollered. I came to see what was the matter, and Audrey was about a foot away from Ender's train tracks. I repositioned her and talked to Ender about being nice, bla bla bla, and he said "I squeeze her."
Yikes. Audrey was okay, but I talked with him about that, spanked him very gently and "shamed" him very sternly that he must never squeeze people, especially babies.
Things went alright from there, for the most part. And then Ender started whining that he was hungry. We'd recently finished a very hearty, filling breakfast, so even though it's possible he was hungry, I told him he needed to wait just a little bit because it wasn't time for lunch--and he'd had a snack just barely, anyway. He whined again and again, and I told him to stop asking me (and honestly, I was using a kind voice. I promise). He was quiet for a little bit. And then as I turned back to the computer (which by the way I had not sat at for long; I really wasn't neglecting him), I felt his little fist punch into my arm. Pretty hard.
That hurt my feelings more than anything...It's so confusing. I understand that children sometimes do those things because they feel a pretty natural urge. And I understand that despite our efforts, he may have seen some punching action before (even in kid movies it happens). But really, we just don't do that! Michael and I are gentle, both with each other and Ender and everyone else.
I held Ender's hands firmly at his side and looked in his face. I felt like I was pleading with him when I told him to not ever do that...and I couldn't help but ask him why. He still doesn't always understand that question, but I had to ask. I pulled him into a hug and cried. We talked about it.
Standing behind him for a short time-out in the corner, I cried some more while he told me to stop being sad and that he wasn't sad. In all of this, Audrey had decided she was sick of her Johnny-Jump-Up and started shrieking (I'm sorry, I know that's not the nicest word, but I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with the unearthly sounds that can come from the cutest of babies...and it's simply the appropriate description here, at the least).
Even as I felt the stress levels surge up, I shoved them down by surrendering to my tears and tiredness.
I stayed up till 2am with Michael while he finished his homework and got up around 7:30 or so. I sent wordless prayers to Heavenly Father and let myself be comforted, knowing I'm tired and that being upset won't help anyone. I'm so tired it's hard to believe that frowning takes more muscle than smiling. Does it really? Maybe technically I'm not frowning, my face is just sort of dead. That's one thing crying does.
Things haven't calmed down by much right now, but at least Audrey has realized she's not in the J-J-U anymore. It took a long time for her to calm down even after I took her out. Ender is entertaining himself with the toys strapped to it, pretty much oblivious to his naughtiness... He's such an innocent toddler, which can be frustrating when I'm trying to impress upon him the seriousness of what he's done.
I'm really, really hoping that nap time lasts at least a little longer than the harp lesson I'll teach during it.
I think I will call a babysitter and take Michael's offer to go to that mandatory concert of his tonight.
*sigh* Especially since the dog-pitch kryptonitic screaming has started again. (Actually, dog-pitch would be nice because then I couldn't hear it, right?) *yet another sigh* Well maybe kryptonite is Superman's weakness, but it can't be Superwoman's. Because first of all, I'm too tired to be angry today. But second of all, I just will not let myself be angry. I will be kind and gentle even though it makes me cry that today my efforts don't change Ender's behavior.