Saturday, June 4, 2011

Yours FREE!

Mini Story Time: 
At bedtime, it's part of the routine to give Ender a hug, a kiss, and a "nuzzle." That's rubbing noses (he got the idea from Corduroy the Bear, whom he calls "Pocket"). Sometimes I have lipstick on, and he understandably refuses a kiss then. He thinks it's funny. But he also likes it-- he will often come to me in the day, study my lips, and say "You need red lips." :D 
The End.

I'm in an odd mood this time. Prepare yourself. It might be a little overwhelming. Sometimes when I get like this, I don't know how bad it is for people on the other end.

*     *     *     *     *

I got a letter in the mail from Parenting magazine that says "For Ms. Kate Wahauast only."
Hm. Maybe it has money in it. Or maybe it's the deal of a lifetime. I guess I'll never know, since it's not for me...
Of course I opened it. The deal of a lifetime? If you buy a one-year subscription to the Parenting magazine (the Resource for Moms with Young Kids!), you get two years free and a "special" diaper bag--yours free! Guess what's included in this incredible offer?

The diaper bag, yours free!--excuse me, Parenting Bag, yours free!--which is a free gift with your paid subscription
3-year subscription for the price of a 1-year subscription (if you can't do math, that's 3 years for the price of 1! You get 2 years free!)
And for that unbeatable price, everything that's in the magazine is INCLUDED! Yeah! Don't worry, you'll actually get the magazine content as part of the deal! 

Really, it's marketed that way. Item, Description, Rate... so of course, when you buy the magazine, the "tips, tricks and strategies proven successful by moms like you" are INCLUDED.

There's more. But I'll spare you. I probably should have spared you a little more already.

Does anyone else get a kick out of that stuff? Seriously, who are they going to convince? I ended up with a bazillion free issues of Parenting and AmericanBaby and Baby magazines when I had Ender and I never asked for any of them! Aren't they the kind of magazine made for the waiting room in a doctor's clinic? I on dangerous ground here? Are there some very devoted fans who will unleash their fury on my magazine-directed guffaws? I'm not sure I can bring myself to apologize.

If it consoles your magazine loving conscience, be assured that I've always been a little weird when it comes to magazines. They bore me. Even the cool magazines (which are...?). I'm like my cat Nigel: he didn't like catnip. What cat doesn't?! And what person doesn't like magazines?!
I did go through approximately two phases where I enjoyed perusing magazines. They were, respectively, Brio and Seventeen (Brio was sent to us solely because my papa was an Army Chaplain, not because we were anywhere near being Evangelical Christians). What a contrast, eh? Who remembers Brio, raise your hand! Anyone?

I browsed those magazines as if I were on an urgent hunt for nuggets of teen wisdom. All I remember is a story from an anonymous boy writer who said one time he and his friends were having fart contests in the locker room and he made the mistake of pooping instead of farting. He was only wearing a towel. His folly was witnessed by all as
And he was scarred for life. Apparently I was too!

But finally I was overcome by boredom with all the ads and shallow non-nuggets-of-teen-wisdom, and I went back to my deep-thinking Hardy Boys. That is, with the Brio stage. After the Seventeen stage, I went back to my deep-thinking breakfast cereal boxes and "clean-harlequin" Dragonwyck (how's that for an oxymoron? Clean harlequin...aww, I still have a soft spot for that one. Fiery Miranda and her agonizing love triangle had me reading all through the night and waking up in a panic to get back to reading when I accidentally fell asleep for ten minutes).

My point? I know how to pick thought-provoking literature and make the best use of my reading time. :D Why ever in the world would I read a magazine? Who wants to be interrupted by all those ads about the right diaper shape for your baby's unsquare bum and how to get the airbrushed look with walmart creamy foundation? And all those deals for things that are yours free if you buy something?

And who wants to read about a boy propping his leg on the locker bench with just a towel around his waste to let loose what he thought would be the most record-breaking fart of the century with all his chili-scarfing preparation only to surprise himself and his circle of admirers with a massive poop?!

Pff. Magazines. I have better things to read.

Like my Rice Krispies box-- we're good friends. I've almost got it memorized! And the only yours FREE thing it advertises is a movie ticket for "Cars 2" if I buy 4 more boxes of cereal at the price of $3.99 per box!

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