Thursday, February 10, 2011


It's a strange necessity...sometimes all I need is two seconds, and sometimes I need a good hour of all-out bawling. But even though it's often painful for me to cry (I just hate the sensation, I do), it's an undeniable relief. My body and mind feel washed out, even numb, when it's all over.

Usually, I'm good for a long time after crying. I can expect a nice, healthy drought for something like a month.
I consider myself very much on the sensitive side as far as characteristics would define me, but crying is such a personal act for me that I will avoid any public displays even if it tortures my will power to meet the challenge. The only exception is when I bear my testimony in church.

So, the last month has been a little off-setting for me. When I was pregnant with Ender, I only got emotionally tipsy at the end. This time, I'm a roller coaster. Anything will do it. I feel kind of helpless.
Michael called from school to chat, and after noticing the choppy hello I gave him and the halted answers following, he asked if I had been crying and what was the matter. I choked and said I couldn't answer--I just couldn't talk about it or I'd cry again, more. He asked why? About what? And I said "No!!! No, I'll tell you when you're home, but don't ask me or I'll cry! Let's talk about you!"

If I haven't cried every day the last week or two, I've at least come very close to crying every day.

It's exhausting.

I want a break. I want to be, like...well, numb. For just maybe an hour? Or maybe a whole day? Just so I can finally think clearly...

Then again I know being numb is boring, so I'm not complaining. Only a little, anyway.


  1. Oh Q. The emotionalness that is pregnancy....and the craziness where every pregnancy is different from another. I'm so sorry! Hopefully things will even out as you progress.

    Love you!

  2. wow. I so relate. I could have written this. Being numb would be really nice some times. But you're right, it does make life ... interesting. :)

  3. I think I cry once every two weeks, normally, or maybe once a month (guess when, haha....), but I do think for me, I process a lot of emotions by crying. I have always loved and been intrigued by how private you can be (is that weird? That I love that?), because I know when you share something with me it's because you've chosen to and you trust me. Whether that's tears or something else. And I love that feeling. Wow, I'm really rambling, aren't I? I can't wait to see you next weekend--I sure NEED to!


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